On Saturday, I had a chance to do a rather condensed version of PPS and my workshop “The Psychology of Humiliation” (which, Midori also does a great workshop on as well).
My experience with humiliation goes back to where it was used as part of a brainwashing technique at an abusive treatment facility (see A Clockwork Straight. They used “confession” as a way of getting to know the things that bothered us, bugged us, or that we were embarrassed about, and compile extensive notes on us, and our “hot buttons”.
It took years for me to be able to even think about playing with the idea of humiliating a bottom – and even longer to play with the idea of being humiliated myself.
First, humiliation can be a scary, dangerous type of play. For some (not all) this is “edge play” – it takes us to deep, dark places. It can effecvt us in unexpected ways. For example, the first few times I was humiliated in public – not in a play sense – I had panic attacks and flashbacks. So you can imagine, when faced with playing with this type of edge, I was understandably nervous.
When I was working on myself, and healing from the above experiences, I was told the idea of “humility” being “right sized” or “in the right place” – from a positive or negative perspective. For example, after being through such an experience, my self esteem and confidence was very low. I needed to realize, I was, in fact, worth something.
That, the idea of who and what I was, was humility. – now take that idea and translate it to BDSM play, and the idea of a dominant establishing the right place in the relationship. Just the “right size” – the dominant being “big” and the submissive being “small”, “smaller”, “low”, “lowest”.
To do that – the dominant must first know the hot buttons mentioned earlier. While the abusive people in my case used confession as a way to establish those buttons, in the dominant’s case, discussion, and getting to know the submissive within the context of the relationship. What turns them on, what they are scared of. What their insecurities are. Where the bad triggers are. Then s/he gets to work on them.
Much of humiliation and degradation is based on traumatic experiences that cause one to be self conscious about themselves. The bigger the traumatic experience surrounding that issue, the more humiliating and degrading that the trigger associated with it becomes.
Some triggers are based on things that one may not want others to find out about – such as their involvement in BDSM or exercising their sexual freedom (“what if I told the whole world what a slut you are?, made you eat me on a street corner like the whore you are”)
In my slave’s case, she has issues with her weight. In reality, she really is a desirable woman. Almost every guy we know wants her. I am a very lucky mistress. However, in playing with humiliation, I go straight for that insecurity. We started out small. I tried to think of something that would equate with her weight. What were some names used to embarass or hurt those who are heavy as a child in society. “Pig” was one that came to mind. Since we had played with animal role-play before (albeit, not heavily, just cat and dog type play.)
So I said to her “Oink like a pig” – I didn’t call her a pig, I didn’t insinuate she was fat, even. I asked her to do something that would make her equate herself with a pig, which is where the connection was made.
It was extremely hard for her to do even this… because the word pig was so ingrained as a word for someone who ate a lot, hence was fat.
But being forced to do such a humiliating thing turned her on. The idea of having no control over what she was, and what she was doing, and whether or not she could even refute what was being said about her.
She just simply had to follow directions. Even if it was humiliating – to her core. Which was the idea.
We took one of the issues of which she was most embarrassed and scared of facing, and turned it into a source of sexual tension and excitement.
For me, the idea and fantasy of someone making me their slut holds a lot of power, but when coupled with the one thing I hate about myself – it becomes that much more powerful. I hate using the parts that I was born with for sex. – I’ve found ways around, or to use them without evoking the idea of the opposite gender’s body parts. But a dominant making me their “tranny whore” and making me fuck someone with it would be truly humiliating (not to mention, damaging if done with the wrong person). These are some fantasies that become particularly powerful. At some level, its the release of letting everything go and just “being” that “transsexual whore”. Its empowering while also being degrading. In some ways, it reclaims that traumatic experience, and done with someone you have explicit trust with, and be
Now – I’d like to step out of the bottom perspective for a second, because this degradation and humiliation is such a sacrifice of self, and such a risk for the submissive or bottom in this situation. A Top/Dominant can’t help but be pleased, or even elated by the fact a bottom/submissive/slave would do such a thing for them, or trust them in that way. Or, at the most extreme level, give up themselves, completely and totally, which is the essence of Owner/property relationships. The power to do that, in and of itself is very stimulating, but add the incredible destruction of a large part of the submissive’s ego, and one can be very fulfilled by this act as a Dominant.
I find that it turns me on to be able to use my girl in this way, and I am also honored that she puts herself in a position where she trusts that she is safe enough to let go for me.
I will leave you with a small fantasy scene building on the weight issues I mentioned above – this is an example, and may or may not be something I do, or have done.
I would take a girl (who I have a decent relationship with, that understands what I am doing) , and start calling her a whale – I never called her fat, or big, or even large, it would be insinuated – because I would dance around the trigger. This trigger, most likely would be a difficult one to deal with, as it is for most women (including myself).
When she is hit, hurt, and squeals, I would then tell her that it sounds like a whale song, and that I would record the song for all to hear, and to keep making the whale sounds. Maybe even sell them to National Geographic – “The sexual pleasure sounds of a whale in captivity” – and sold to millions of people worldwide.
Yes – for some this would be humiliating, and would get them right where it feels the best.
