“The Mess of TES” redux

I posted this to the “TES Friends” group on Fetlife. Honestly – I know for a fact its going to get deleted. The people involved and “moderating it” are making it a forum for thier sour grapes and temper tantrums – under the impression of an “official” TES space.

So here it is:

As someone who once left TES (and the board of TES (after I finished out my one year term) angry, I realized – IT WAS A TEMPER TANTRUM. Which is exactly what the two people who walked off their board and volunteer positions,respectively, had.

If you can’t take the heat get out of the fire. I did, and I am happy for it. If you don’t like what the majority of the membership votes for and supports, then please, go form your own organization.

I will say very clearly, the vocal people around here who say theres so much wrong with TES are simply doing the same as well.

One had her boyfriend have to resign from the board because of something that happened. He made a lapse in judgement – and in my opinion, deserved no leniency. Its lucky he got off as light as he did.

The other simply has had personality conflicts with the board member they are throwing stones at for the last 5 years (since I was even on the board). I have news for that person. You’re stuck with each other. The current board member is emeritus when they leave the board, and so is the person who is complaining loudly about the person. – deal with it. Grow up. I understand you have a little side, but man, I’ve never seen anyone (including myself) whine so loudly when they didn’t get their way (and honestly, I became a completely nasty and whiny bitch when I withdrew from that election).

I mean seriously – this is a case of a vocal minority causing problems, I’ll defend your right to say whatever the fuck you want, but that doesn;t mean I won;t tell you the truth about it and call it as I see it.

Its sour grapes and temper tantrums. add it to High School BS political methods, and this is now TES.

I hope you all enjoy it more when you ruin it even more.

OH – one last thing – the board is 9 people, I learned this when I was on it. No one board member has any more power than another. If other board members choose to listen and respect another’s opinion – often – then they have probably earned it.

Stop the temper tantrums – first of all resigning from a board position without a good personal reason (other than “being disgusted with the conversation”) is lame, childish, and irresponsible, – and a sign you shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Second – its not hurting TES for you to walk off, and it doesn’t hurt the other board members. It makes you look like a child.

Second – trying to circumvent the “will of the membership” as a whole – the “group conscience” as you will – by removing a duly appointed and voted on board member ahead of time when there has been no misconduct (like overstepping physical boundaries of another person at an organization event) is also childish and lame. Wait until the next election. If the person even runs again, then the will of the membership can vote again. Removing someone is for misconduct and illegal activities, or activities which circumvent the TES bylaws and/or creed.

As far as I can see, there was only one board member that did that in the last year, and it wasn;t the one that the irty Dozen: is complaining about.

So yes – everyone is passionate here, but its a small minority that does the most to burn people out. I did a lot of work, and the most I personally got was an investigation into my private life and divorce. Its time for these people to grow up and fix themselves, not try and ruin others.

Psychology of Humiliation

On Saturday, I had a chance to do a rather condensed version of PPS and my workshop “The Psychology of Humiliation” (which, Midori also does a great workshop on as well).

My experience with humiliation goes back to where it was used as part of a brainwashing technique at an abusive treatment facility (see A Clockwork Straight. They used “confession” as a way of getting to know the things that bothered us, bugged us, or that we were embarrassed about, and compile extensive notes on us, and our “hot buttons”.

It took years for me to be able to even think about playing with the idea of humiliating a bottom – and even longer to play with the idea of being humiliated myself.

First, humiliation can be a scary, dangerous type of play. For some (not all) this is “edge play” – it takes us to deep, dark places. It can effecvt us in unexpected ways. For example, the first few times I was humiliated in public – not in a play sense – I had panic attacks and flashbacks. So you can imagine, when faced with playing with this type of edge, I was understandably nervous.

When I was working on myself, and healing from the above experiences, I was told the idea of “humility” being “right sized” or “in the right place” – from a positive or negative perspective. For example, after being through such an experience, my self esteem and confidence was very low. I needed to realize, I was, in fact, worth something.

That, the idea of who and what I was, was humility. – now take that idea and translate it to BDSM play, and the idea of a dominant establishing the right place in the relationship. Just the “right size” – the dominant being “big” and the submissive being “small”, “smaller”, “low”, “lowest”.

To do that – the dominant must first know the hot buttons mentioned earlier. While the abusive people in my case used confession as a way to establish those buttons, in the dominant’s case, discussion, and getting to know the submissive within the context of the relationship. What turns them on, what they are scared of. What their insecurities are. Where the bad triggers are. Then s/he gets to work on them.

Much of humiliation and degradation is based on traumatic experiences that cause one to be self conscious about themselves. The bigger the traumatic experience surrounding that issue, the more humiliating and degrading that the trigger associated with it becomes.

Some triggers are based on things that one may not want others to find out about – such as their involvement in BDSM or exercising their sexual freedom (“what if I told the whole world what a slut you are?, made you eat me on a street corner like the whore you are”)

Quick Note of Support for A Friend…

We all know the economy sucks, and small business is always hit very hard. In New York, there is a store, Purple Passion/DV8 that has supported the community, and especially TES throughout the years. The owner, Hilton, is a friend and colleague that I hold much respect for. At times him and his employees have both been an anchor for me and PPS, in a world of maelstrom politics and much upheaval. When I was frustrated, I would go upstairs during TES board meetings and vent… and I never got any judgement. Only good advice.

Over the past few months, as PPS and I have come back to the community, Hilton has been there at every step, every time we turn around there he is… he has amazing energy. We also always seem to be on the same meal schedule at events *laugh*

As far as merchandise, PPS and I bought our friend Ms. Hitachi there, as well as some other stuff, and we enjoy walking through. The clothing options there alone are wonderful, but the toy selection is much fun! And look at the loads of literature!

Hilton is asking now for our support. Without some real sales, we will lose the best business for BDSM education, support, clothing, and toys in our community. Please consider buying from PP/DV8 – and as an incentive, please see this post at Viviane’s Sex Carnival about a sale going on at Purple Passion, and exactly what is happening, including Hilton’s impassioned plea for support from the community that he has supported for so long.

PPS and I cannot afford to buy a lot, but I personally plan on stopping in and getting *something* in the next couple weeks (probably next paycheck). Please do the same!

Thanks!!

TES Workshop on Sharp Pointy Things.

Last night, PPS and I went to the TES Workshop on Sharp Pointy Things by Slutress (aka Dottie), who I love dearly. She runs a company called Needle Play Design that the camisole top in my icon (… With a Big Purple Stick!) was made by.

We got to the TES meeting place and Pyro_Sadist (Dottie’s husband and Master) joked around about me being a demo bottom for the workshop. He’s very evil, because once he planted the seed, I could not get it out of my head! A few minutes later, I mentioned to Dottie, that, though it had been 7+ years since I had someone do a temporary piercing on me, that if there was nobody else, I would offer myself up.

Her first victim…errr… demo subject was a man who had never had needleplay done to him, but was obviously not new to masochism in general. She started by showing the audience some basic stuff, how to keep the area clean, using surgery scrub and other antiseptic and antibacterial solutions. Questions to ask people that you might be peircing like:

• Do you have any allergies? Some surgical scrubs, such as Betadine have Iodine in them, so people allergic to shellfish (like myself!) are also allergic to the scrub.
• Are you on any drugs? (both OTC and prescription, as well as illegal) Some drugs, like aspirin or alcohol can thin the blood, this might be desirable, but in some people, it can make it difficult to stop the bleeding (as you will see later in this article, PPS should *not* take either of these things *grin*). Some drugs, such as opioids or alcohols can dull any pain one feels as well.
• Do you have any disabilities or illnesses I should know about? Diabetes can cause circulation issues, some people have neuralgia from it – have to steer clear of nerve pain areas

She then showed the audience different types of needles, what gauges to usually use. The fact that larger gauge needles are smaller in size, and the smaller gauge needles are larger in size.

The real fun came when she pierced her first victim, and he took it well, so then Dottie and her erstwhile assistant helped to increase the blood flow to the area by hitting the peircings.

She then took them out, and the man did not bleed much at all. Sadly. We all wanted blood, and were hungry for it.

So then Dottie decided to do a Needle “Zipper” – if anyone has ever seen a clothespin “Zipper” – you can imaging what that is. Her next demo bottom, who was a needle veteran, did extremely well, and even bled a little for us.

Then I managed to convince PPS to go up so Dottie could demonstrate decorative piercings. Like needle “corsets” and ribbonwork.

I gloved up and helped put in the 11 needles for the ribbonwork, and then we put ribbons on them, at which point, PPS said “you go now?”.

PPS's ribbonwork.

Well, unfortunately, I promised both Dottie and PPS that if PPS went up, I would do so as well – so I took my “medicine” – and let Dottie put in beads in piercing, and also stick a short needle (1/2″) into me several times like a pincushion.

Siobhan Phoenix beaded needlework by Dottie.

Now, it had certainly been a long time, and I didn’t expect the rush I got from it. The first one was a little painful, but once the endorphins hit, I was in outer space… I was like “more please!” (gee, aren’t I glad that I now re-identify as a switch? anyone wants to take advantage of that fact can discuss with me the possibilities)

What made it even more special was that I haven’t “bottomed” to anyone, demo or other in a VERY VERY long time (since before I had my PTSD breakdown in 2001). It was a huge step, but it was also very hot. I am happy Dottie was the one to do it though, not sure if I would have done it otherwise.

But now… we came to the fun part. Time to take out the needles.

Now, Dottie knew I was on Estrogen, and knew that I probably wouldn’t bleed (even though the stick-pin poke and removal DID make me bleed a little), but when she took the needles out, I dripped out blood a fair amount. It was a pleasant surprise for both of us!

*have you gotten the idea that a few of us are “blood sluts”  yet? (We understand the dangers, but that doesn’t stop us from loving seeing it, and smelling the tangy coppery smell)*

So we went to wrap up the night by taking the needles out of PPS’s arm… well a pleasant surprise doesn’t even begin to document what happened next. So I’ll show you:

Princess Phoenix Star's arm!

Now, this picture was taken AFTER we staved some of the blood flow. It got blood on her pants, all over the Chux under her… and all over gloved hands. (mmmm, can’t say what I did next, but PPS and I are fluid bonded, and it was yummy).

After we stopped the bleeding and cleaned everything up (and got some blood sugar in PPS’s body, and my own) – we went for a late snack.

Was much fun, thanks Dottie! (and Pyro_Sadist as well… you planted the seed, and as promised, you *will* get your chance at me)

Anniversary Post

You won’t get me doing this often – because I don’t like “nothing posts” – I want content damnit!

But I think this *is* content – probably the most important there is.

Today,PPS and I have been registered Domestic Partners in the City of New York for 2 Years!!

Its the closest thing we can get to marriage until NYS allows gay marriage, but in September we’ll have been “together” for 6 years.

GO us. – and with all the issues we’ve had, and the trials, and difficulties – we’re still just as much in love as we were 5 years ago. We “fit” and its good.

Objective Ownership

I am resurrecting my Leather Family site, but editing all real names out of it, but I found this gem, that I thought I’d post:

“Of course. On some level, you have to inspire submission, it just doesn’t happen magically. Its in this way you earn it, just as we have to earn everything else worth something in this life.

The facts are that because the property and submissives we deal with are human, we still have to keep thier attention somehow. If they are not getting something from thier submission to you, then why are they in that relationship to begin with?

Objective reality tells me that each side must benefit for this type of relationship to last. In some ways the idea of a feudal lord and vassal works very well along these lines, there is definitely advantages to serving as well as being served.

When one gets a sense of entitlement for whatever reason that does not stem from one’s own accomplishments, then one forgets the simple objective reality of the fact that when one earns something, it becomes thiers, in this way, we hold on to the ownership of our property.”

Personal Safety in ‘the Communities’

This has been bothering me over the last couple days. I am going to talk in terms of a hypothetical situation- but the reality is that this type of thing can and does happen.

At an event – a staff member in charge of a specific area is sitting with a couple of new women – that are young. These women don’t have a ton of experience in the communities nor are they particularly secure in the environment.

The staff member starts coming on to these women rather hard – they tell him they aren’t interested, but he does not take “no” for an answer.

Instead he marks one with bruises (saying that he is not hitting “hard enough to bruise – and the girl is scared – as this is a staff member of the event she is at.

Later on, he pulls the other girl by the hair. Non-consentually.

Now – to some extent, these women have a personal responsibility to protect themselves – but the staff member should *know better*

Not only that, but when was the last time we had a “personal safety” class in our community. People don’t seem to realize that sexual assault can happen anywhere – and our “scene” is ripe picking for an abuser.

People don’t want to “cause drama” or think that because a person is popular or in power as a leader that they will not be listened to.

Even this past weekend, I had to assure two women who had been assaulted that it was ok to come forward.

Why have we stopped teaching personal safety, boundaries, and how to defend one’s self? We have been lured into a place where we believe that this community is safer than all the others because of our hangup on the word “consent”

In a perfect world, this would be true, but it’s not. I think it’s high time we come uo with ways to educate women on these subjects. What do ya’ll think?

TesFest – an ex-board members birdseye view

PPS and I went to TESFest this weekend to do a presentation on Adaptive Kink (it’s funny out of like 7 classes I currently do, they chose that one – I think it’s because Wes (my father in law) knows that it’s a niche that I fill very well, but some of the other subjects are easy to find other people for (sort of – I try always to cover different areas than other colleagues of mine who teach similar classes) – but I think at some level he just really doesn’t want to know what I do with his daughter when he’s not watching. )

It started off nicely – except for an attitude from the ops chair about approaching him to solve a problem I had with not having a projector for my presentation.

It was nice to see old friends – and meet some of the new faces that have come around since we took a much needed break.

But in going with the style of a new friend I made there – Wendy Blackheart, I will post the lessons of the weekend – in no apparent order.

1. Exorcisms are both hot and hilarious – the best quote of the weekend – “The power of Cunt compels you!”

2. Where there is smoke – there is fire -especially when it comes to the aforementioned Ops chair.

3. Politics are still in the way of doing the right thing – sadly – which is one of the reasons I needed a break.

4. Sisters are wonderful – and even after all this time – we can pick up right where we left off. There is a reason why we call each other “sisters”

5. That Shana has “Aunts she wants to fuck” , and “Aunts she doesn’t want to fuck” – and I think it’s great.

6. That they grow them freakin’ awesome in Raleigh. AuburnGoddess and Her Devious need to be touring nationally.

7.Wyld Delerium makes me hot and warms my heart at the same time. It’s nice to see people passionate about making space for disabled people in this community.

8. Having in laws running the conference can be awesome – especially when wanting to run a “Special Event” last minute. – next time it won’t be last minute and we’ll get people in there to perform _Repo! The Genetic Opera_

9. Funnyuns do not make a meal – even at 3 am.

10. Family is everywhere – Shana started up a friendship with a girl who was singing “Legally Blonde” songs – only to find later on that she was Mama D and Skully’s new girl – making her Shana’s sister.

11. A class on deep throating will always trump classes on disability. Golden showers, and even impromptu book signings. Especially when given by a porn star like Calico

12. There is a guy in Bloomfield, NJ that can fix a broken body with his hands – but then he can make a mostly lesbian woman completely wet when using Vampire Gloves on her (I never expected myself to have that type of reaction!)

Finally:

13. A high functioning autistic disabled lesbian transwoman can actually feel like they fit in – at least for small bits of time. Thanks all of you for being there.

All in all – a fun weekend – PPS may have other things to say – but those were my thoughts – and I’m sticking to them.

Welcome

So…. I guess I should get in on this blog thing. We had a leather family website a while back, and since we left and came back, we decided that since it had my real name on it (as well as my girl’s) – and more identifying information that it is not good to have a Child of the Information Age find (meaning the almost-7 year old who is blood of my blood, and who also seems to be “brain of my brain”), we would register a new domain that went along with our new attitude, life, and names.

In the Leather Community and BDSM communities, we are hence-forth known as “The Phoenixes” or maybe the “Phoenae”  - Siobhan Phoenix and Phoenix Princess Star (or just “Phoenix Star”).  I never understood the “scene name” bit until my life became too complicated and my son became older. Now its time to try an old idea out.

It has been an interesting journey back, and my in-laws have been trying to get us to come back for a while. In fact, we’re even presenting at TES Fest this July (and rooming with my sis – Sarah Sloane  (http://www.sarahsloane.net) – who I love, adore, and miss greatly!) – me and PPS are doing a workshop that came out of the “Crips with Whips” BoF at the Flea this past Winter – its an Adaptive Kink workshop, essentially Kink for people with disabilities, and what happens when some of the things you are doing in a “scene” are not the stereotypical role for yourself (Dom/sub/etc.) because of the need to adapt to the disability. How do we reconcile that in our minds, emotionally as well.

Theres also a new domain involved. leatherphoenix.info – right now it redirects to a WordPress.com blog, but sooner or later, I’ll install wordpress on daemon or numina, and run it locally instead.

I spoke at LSM this past weekend, and after the meeting some of the ashes of our former life got all over our boots, and unfortunately, it was distasteful to even try and clean it all off. I think that the person that the issue was with – understands what happened now (for those who want the outline of the story, without the actual people involved, look at the “BSDM Public Workshop Presenters and Organizers” group on Fetlife. I don’t want to draw too much attention to it here, and the issue is bring straightened out. I am impressed by the event organizer’s open mind and understanding. I wish her event all the best.

I think thats all for a first post. I hope that PPS and I continue to entertain you in the time to come.